It is the receiver who controls whether feedback is let in or kept out, who has to make sense of what he or she is hearing, and who decides whether or not to change.
Sheila Heen & Douglas Stone
People need to stop treating feedback only as something that must be pushed and instead improve their ability to pull.
Takeaways of Note:
6 Steps to Becoming a Better Receiver:
1. Know our tendencies – understand our standard operating procedure (i.e. defend, strike back, reject, accept, smile but seethe, need time, etc…) and make better choices about where to go from there.
2. Disentangle the “what” from the “who” – if feedback is on target & wise, it shouldn’t matter who delivers it (but it does)… Consider the message & the messenger separately.
3. Sort toward coaching – some feedback is evaluative, some is coaching… Coaching allows us to learn & improve and to perform at a higher level.
4. Unpack the feedback – setting aside snap judgments and exploring where feedback is coming from & where it’s going, can lead to rich conversations.
5. Ask for just one thing – when we ask for feedback, we discover how others see us AND we influence how they see us… soliciting constructive criticism communicates humility, respect, passion for excellence, & confidence.
6. Engage in small experiments – when someone gives advice, test it out. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, make tweaks, or end the experiment.
Bonus Nuggets
3 ways feedback can push our buttons…
1- Truth Triggers – set off by the content
2- Relationship Triggers – tripped by the person providing
3- Identity triggers – reflect our relationship with ourselves
All these responses are natural & reasonable; and can be unavoidable. The solution isn’t to pretend we don’t have them. It’s to recognize what’s happening and learn how to derive benefit from feedback.
Criticism is seldom easy to take. Even when we know that it’s essential to our development and we trust that the person delivering it wants us to succeed…
Our growth depends on our ability to pull value from criticism in spite of our natural responses and on our willingness to seek out even more advice and coaching from bosses, peers, and subordinates. They may be good or bad at providing it, or they may have little time for it—but we are the most important factor in our own development. If we’re determined to learn from whatever feedback we get, no one can stop us.